How many times have I thought that very thought about, "What if I were to kill the inner self ?" Would I essentially be killing another person that had been so much a part of me for all of my life? Of course, killing her would mean killing my own inner light that sustains this shell and eventually killing the physical self as well. One can not kill the inner-self without killing the physical shell as well.
If you could kill the inner-self without killing the shell or the physical self, could you do it? It would basically be the same as committing suicide. To me, after all those years the inner-self had become like a third person, a friend, a companion who at times illuminated the path ahead of me. I could not kill her without killing myself even though I dispised the outer shell at the time. I was caught between a rock and a hard place and as I saw it there was no alternative or other way out except to drive my car into a rock cut that night. *So such it was that I thought and felt at the time*. I did not want to see things that had happened in the past come back and repeat itself in the future anymore.
I was sick of waking up in a sweat soaked bed after a prophetic dream where a friend or family member was about to experience a destructive calamity . Try warning them and they look at you like your just grew a horn in the middle of your forehead.
Or try to tell or warn people about some prophetic dream you have had about a natural or man made disaster about to happen. Or how about the night I mentioned above where I came to the realization that I had lived a lie for most of my life, Denying myself of my own truth. I was not who I had been conditioned to think I was. There was a deeper knowing within that I had not taped into yet. Giving up the booz and all the detox centers and self help groups I had attended and the Drs. And pills in the world had not helped me to see who dwelled within.
And this brings us to that night where I found myself driving down a darkened highway with very few other cars about, I was actually looking for a suitable rock cut to drive my car into and end it all. It was like a voice spoke in my mind, the voice of the inner self that spoke to me. It asked me if I truly wanted to do what I was about to do? I retorted back aloud with some anger and irritation in my physical voice, shattering the silence in the interior of the car, "What other alternative is there?" Tears rolled down my cheeks as the voice responded softly, "I will leave you with this thought: who is it that truly wishes to die here on this night?" The resulting choice? Well, I am still here.